A man was looking for work.
Any odd jobs.
A lady said she would pay him to paint her porch.
After he’d fiinished, he came to collect what she had promised
she would pay him.
And he said, “I don’t want to be picky, especially after you gave
me that job, but, thats not a porch - that’s a BMW.”
©
https://attitudetolife.com
and attitudetolife.au
HUMOUR - Long Jokes
The Talking Bird
A guy goes into a pet shop and asks to
buy a bird that talks.The store owner
sells him a budgie and he goes home to
enjoy his new talking bird.The next day
he comes back and complains that the
bird doesn’t talk.
“Doesn’t he hop from perch to perch
and talk to himself?” asks the shop
owner.
“He doesn’t have a perch,” says the
guy.
“Oh, well, he needs to have a couple of perches,” says the shop
owner and he sells the guy a couple of perches. The next day
the guy returns again, complaining that his talking bird doesn’t.
“Well, doesn’t he look at himself in the mirror and talk to his
reflection?” asks the store owner.
“He doesn’t have a mirror,” says the guy. So the pet shop owner
sells him a mirror.
Well, this goes on every day for a week, at the end of which the
guy has bought perches, mirrors, a mirror ball with a bell – just
for budgies – ladders and bells, when the guy storms into the
pet shop and yells at the owner that his budgie has died!
“Tell me,” says the owner, “did he say anything before he died?”
“Yes – he said, ‘hasn’t that shop sold you any bird seed, yet?!!’ “
The minister who cut himself shaving
At the end of his sermon, the minister reached
up to scratch his face and realised he still had
lots of little bits of tissue stuck all over it.
He apologised to his congregation, explaining
to them that he’d been thinking about his
sermon in the bathroom that morning and had
cut himself shaving.
Immediately, one of the older gentlemen up
the back said, “That’s okay, Rev, but next
week, think about your shaving and cut your
sermon!”
The Drowning Man
A fellow was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to
God for help.
Soon a man in a rowboat came by and the fellow shouted to
the man on the roof, "Jump in, I can save you."
The stranded fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to
God and he is going to save me."
So the man in the rowboat went on.
Then a motorboat came by. "The bloke in the motorboat
shouted, "Jump in, I can save you."
To this the stranded fellow said, "No thanks, I'm praying to God
and he is going to save me. I have faith."
So the bloke in the motorboat went on.
Then a helicopter came by and the pilot shouted down, "Grab
this rope and I will lift you to safety."
To this the stranded fellow again replied, "No thanks, I'm
praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith."
So the helicopter pilot reluctantly flew away.
Soon the water rose above the rooftop and the man drowned.
He went to Heaven and he finally got his chance to discuss this
whole situation with God, at which point he exclaimed, "I had
faith in you but you didn't save me, you let me drown. I don't
understand why!"
To this God replied, "I sent you a rowboat and a motorboat and
a helicopter, what more did you want?"
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The burglar and the parrot
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around,
looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're
here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear
as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of
the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to
rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he whispered to the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you
that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?'
'The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
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Talking Horse
A guy is walking through the country when he spots a sign that reads, “Talking
Horse for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks up to the stable to check it out.
“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the horse.
“I’ve led a full life,” the horse answers miraculously. “I was born in The Andes
where I herded for an entire village. Years later, I joined the mounted police
force in New York and helped keep the city clean. And now, I spend my days
giving free rides to underprivileged kids here in the country.”
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the horse’s owner, “Why on earth would
you want to get rid of such an incredible animal?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!
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English grammar
• An Oxford comma walks into a bar where it spends the evening watching the television,
getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
• A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the
bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
• A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
• An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
• Two quotation marks walk into a "bar."
• A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap
clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes
him for granite.
• Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
• A question mark walks into a bar?
• A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
• Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve
your type."
• A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip
it in the bud.
• A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
• Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
• A synonym strolls into a tavern.
• At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and
sharp as a tack.
• A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
• Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
• A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
• An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
• The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
• A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
• A dyslexic walks into a bra.
• A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun
declines.
• A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
• A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
• A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender
nearly chokes on the irony.
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The Australian Tax Office
The Australian Tax Office decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their head office. The ATO
auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his solicitor.
The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you
explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's solicitor as a
witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one
side of your desk, throw that full glass of water into the waste paper bin on the other side, and never get a
drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy
could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands on the desk and takes careful aim, but when he throws the glass, water covers the man's
desk, jacket, briefcase, and everything around it.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own solicitor starts crying and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he
bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and throw water all over your office and
that you'd be happy about it!"
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Squirrel Infestation
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel
infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were
predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons
met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown
themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to
swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's
creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist
church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-
slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around
their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned
how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the
squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas
and Easter.
Memory
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but
they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair
and asks, 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' 'Will you get me a
bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she
asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it
down, so you don’t forget.'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down.'
she says.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice
cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I’ve got it, for goodness
sake!' Then he toddles off into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands
his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment, then asks, 'Where's my toast?'
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A very poor woman called a radio
station asking for help from God
A non-believer who was also listening to this radio
program decided to make fun of the woman. He
got the woman's address from the radio station
and told his secretary to carry a large amount of
foodstuff to the woman. However, he gave the
following instruction, "When the woman asks who
sent the food, tell her that it's from the devil.''
When the secretary arrived at the woman's
house, the woman was happy and grateful for the
help received. She started putting the food
packets inside her small house. The secretary
then asked her, ''Don't you want to know who sent
the food?''
The woman replied, ''No, I don't care because
when GOD orders, even the DEVIL obeys!
Spiritual person and atheist neighbour
There was a little old lady who was very spiritual, who would step
out on her porch every day, raise her arms to the sky and yell
“Praise the Lord!”
One day, an atheist bought the house next door to her, and he
became very irritated with the spiritual lady. So after a month or so
of her yelling “Praise the Lord” from her porch, the neighbour went
outside on his porch and yelled back, “There is no Lord!”
Yet, the little old lady continued. One cold, wintery day, when the
little old lady couldn’t get to the store, she went out on her porch,
raised her hands up to the sky and said, “Help me Lord, I have no
more money, it’s cold, and I have no more food.”
The next morning, she went outside, and there were three bags of
food on the porch, enough to last her a week.
“Praise the Lord! ” she yelled.
The atheist stepped out from the bushes and said, “Ha ha! There is
no Lord, I bought those groceries!”
The little old lady raised her arms to the sky and said, “Praise the
Lord, you sent me groceries and you made the Devil pay for them!”
Photo Credit:
Harley Davidson Bike Pics
The 10 year-old and the motorbike
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside
her.
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
“Okay, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks and a Big Bag of lollies if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for
a ride."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...
"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...YOU RIDE IT!!"....... .
An elderly couple on a road trip
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they resumed their trip. She left her glasses on the table, but she didn't miss them until
they had been driving for about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a bit further before they could find a place to turn around.
All the way back, the elderly husband became “the grumpy old man.”
He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return trip.
And the more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived back at the restaurant and as she got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her
glasses, the old bloke yelled out to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card!”
A woman received a call that her daughter was sick
She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, but when she got back to her car she found that she had locked her
keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. But she looked at it and said "I don't know how to use
this." So she bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.
Within 5 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up.
The driver was a bearded man wearing an old biker skull rag. The man got off of his motorbike and asked if he could
help.
She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. But I’ve locked my keys in my car and I must get home. Please, can you use this
hanger to unlock my car?" He said "Sure" and walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday, I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
The Cat and the Pastor
A pastor had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to
come down. The pastor coaxed, offered food, warm milk, etc. The kitty would not
come down.
The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope
to the tree and to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then
reach up and get the kitten.
He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went
just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.
But as he moved a little further forward, the rope broke.
The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.
Naturally, the pastor felt terrible.
He walked all over the neighbourhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten.
No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to
your keeping," and went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store and met one of his church members.
He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now
this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you
buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"
She replied, "You won't believe this Pastor," and she told him how her little girl had
been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child
had begged again, so the Mum finally told her little girl, "Well if God gives you a cat,
I'll let you keep it!"
She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and
ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own
eyes.
A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and
landed right in front of her!"
Cancel Family Christmas
An elderly man in Sydney calls his son in Adelaide and says, "I hate to ruin
your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce;
45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your
sister in Melbourne and tell her!"
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're
getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls her father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting
divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back,
and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?"
she yelled as she hung up the phone.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all
set. They're both coming for Christmas and they’re paying their own air-fares."
Politically Correct Greetings
I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends, but it is so difficult in
today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with
my attorney yesterday, and on his advice I wish to say the following:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an
environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender
neutral celebration of the winter/summer solstice holiday, practiced with the most
enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with
respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their
choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated
recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar next year, but not without
due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to
society have helped make our country great (not to imply that it is necessarily greater
than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical
ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.
It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting.
It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for
her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole
discretion of the wisher.
This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good
tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting,
whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance
of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
Disclaimer: No trees were harmed in the sending of this message; however, a
significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.
A man, with a basket full of fish, gets stopped
by a game warden
“Do you have a permit for these fish?” the warden asks.
“No sir. These are all my pet fish,” the man replies.
“Your pet fish? How’s that?”
“Well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them
swim for about half an hour, and then I whistle and they all come back
and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night,” the
man says.
“That’s just a crock of lies!”
“Here, I’ll show you,” the man says, and releases the fish into the lake.
“This I’ve got to see,” says the warden. Five minutes pass and the
warden is curious, “Well…?”
“Well what?” asks the man.
“The fish! Where are your pet fish?”
The man looks at the warden confused. “What fish?”
How do you pronounce
Llanfairpwll-gwyngyllgogerychwyrndrob-wllllantysiliogogogoch?
Two tourists were driving through Wales.
As they were approaching Llanfairpwll-gwyngyllgogerychwyrndrob-wllllantysiliogogogoch, they started arguing
about the pronunciation of the town’s name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the girl, “Before we order, would you please settle an argument
for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?”
She leaned over the counter and said,
“Burrrrrrrr gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing.”
They DO have a sense of humour
A coffin maker was on his way to deliver one of his coffins but
on the way, his car broke down. Trying not to be late, he put the
coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.
Christmas Lights Warning
For those of you who are going to place Christmas lights / decorations in
your garden this year, can you please avoid anything that has Red or
Blue flashing lights together?
Every year when I’ve come around the corner, I think it's the police and I
have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my rum out of the window, hide the weed,
fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down,
and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.
Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.
The White Lie Cake
Alice was meant to bake a cake for the Church Ladies' Group, but she forgot to do it until
the last minute. She remembered it on the morning of the bake sale. After rummaging
through cupboards, she found a box of cake mix and quickly made it while drying her
hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for scout camp.
When she took the cake from the oven, the centre had dropped flat and the cake was
horribly disfigured and she thought: “Nooooo! there is no time to bake another cake!"
So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the centre of
the cake. She found it in the bathroom: a roll of toilet paper!
She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look
beautiful, it looked perfect.
Now, before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head off for work,
Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the
bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.
However, when the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake
had already been sold!!!!! Amanda grabbed her mobile phone and called her mum.
Alice was horrified! She was beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they
think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed! All night, she lay awake in bed
thinking about people pointing fingers at her. And talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would
attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try
to have a good time. She did not really want to attend. The hostess was a snob who
more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and
not originally from this town, but having already RSVP’d, she couldn't think of a
believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old families, and to Alice’s
horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!
She started to get out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get
to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, “What a beautiful cake!"
Alice, stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the snobby hostess say: “Thank
you, I baked it myself."
One day two brothers bought two horses
When they got home they discussed how they would remember which horse belonged to whom.
Then one of them got the brainwave to trim the tail of one horse and leave the other long.
That night some rogue broke into their barn and trimmed the tail of the other horse.
And the next day they thought, “Now how will we know?” Then one of them suggested they trim
the mane of one and not the other.
But again, at night, a rascal, broke into their barn and trimmed the other horse’s mane!
The next morning they stared in disbelief at their horses.
Finally, one brother said to the other, ‘I’ll tell you what. You take the brown and white one and I’ll
take the black and white one!”
Mum’s Birthday Present
Four brothers left home for college and went on to become
successful doctors and lawyers.
One evening, they chatted after having dinner together.
They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to
give their elderly mother who moved to the Gold Coast.
The first said, “You know I had a big house built for our
mum.”
The second said, “And I had a large theatre built in the
house.”
The third said, “And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver the
latest Mercedes Benz
S 580 to her.”
The fourth said, “You know how Mum loved reading the
Bible and you know she can’t read anymore because she
can’t see very well. I met this pastor who told me about a
parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers
almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
$50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth
it. Mum only has to name the chapter and verse, and the
parrot will recite it.” The other brothers were impressed.
After the celebration, Mum sent out her “Thank You” notes.
She wrote: “Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live
in only one room, but I still have to clean the whole house.
Thanks anyway.”
“Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my
groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The
thought was good. Thanks.”
“Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby
Sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are
dead, I’ve lost my hearing, and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never
use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.”
“Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good
sense to give a little thought to your gift. Thank you so
much. The chicken was delicious. Love, Mum”
Tourists at a crocodile farm
When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a daring proposal;
-Whoever dares to jump, swim to shore and survive, I will give 1 million dollars.
Nobody dared to move, suddenly a man jumped into the water and desperately swam towards the shore
while he was chased by all the crocodiles.
With great luck he arrived, taking the admiration of everyone in the place, then the owner announced;
-We have a brave winner.
After collecting their reward, the couple returned to the hotel, upon arrival, the manager told him; he was very
brave to jump, then the man said;
-I didn't jump, someone pushed me!
His wife smiled ...
Moral: "Behind every successful man, there is a woman who pushes him."
A Woman who Reads
One morning a husband returns to the cabin after
several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to
take the boat out, since it is such a beautiful day.
She goes out a short distance, anchors, and reads her
book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, " Good
morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, thinking, "Isn't that obvious?"
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to write you up a ticket."
"For reading a book?" she asks.
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area, "he informs her again.
"But officer, I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to write you up a
ticket and you'll have to pay a fine."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman."
"But I haven't touched you," says the Game Warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," he said as he immediately departed.
MORAL:Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
A young guardsman
is on the gate at
Buckingham palace.
The RSM marches up to him
and says "Right lad, the
Queen is out on public
duties. I want to know the
minute she gets back here,
do you understand? The
minute she's back!"
"Yes sir," says the young
guardsman.
So, 10 minutes later a big
limo pulls in through the
gates, the guardsman stops
the car, pops his head in and
says, "‘Scuse me ma'am are
you the Queen?"
"No, I'm princess Ann."
"Oh, sorry to delay you,
proceed."
Another limo pulls in and he sticks his head in the window.
"‘Scuse me ma'am are you the Queen?"
"No, I'm princess Margaret.”
"Oh, sorry to delay you ma'am, proceed.”
The next limo pulls in and, same again, he sticks his head in
the window. "’Scuse me ma'am, are you the Queen?"
"Yes, I'm the Queen."
"Right," he says. "Well make yourself scarce, luv, ‘cos the
RSM is looking for you."
I’m Fine!
A farmer named George had an accident.
He was hit by a truck which was owned by a global, high
profile, fast-food chain.
In court, the high profile, fast-food chain’s hot-shot
solicitor was questioning George. “Didn't you say to the
police officer at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine’?“
asked the solicitor.
George responded, “Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd
just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the ... “
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in George's answer
and said to the solicitor, “I'd like to hear what he has to say
about his favourite cow, Bessie.”
George thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was
saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the
trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge global,
high profile, fast-food chain’s truck and trailer came thundering
through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side.”
“Well, I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into
the other. By crikey I was hurt! Very bad like, and didn't want to
move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.”
“Shortly after the accident, a policeman turned up. He could
hear Bessie moaning and groaning too, so he went over to her.
He looked at her and saw her condition, then he took out his
gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the policeman came
across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How
are you feeling?'”
“Now what would you say?”
“I didn't ask for any details,” the solicitor interrupted. “Just
answer the question. Did you, or did you not, say at the
scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?”
George said, “Well, I'd just got Bessie into the trailer and
I was driving down the road...” The solicitor interrupted
again and said, “Your Honour, I am trying to establish the
facts: at the scene of the accident, this man told the
police officer on the scene that he was fine. Now several
weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I
believe he is a fraud. Please direct him to simply answer
the question.”
cow- by Frauke Feind from Pixabay
horse-trailer- by Manfred Richter from Pixabay
Long-road- by 99mimimi from Pixabay
I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of
all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a
caravan in the bush, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many
more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that mari*juana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for
ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure
deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so
you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Josh
P.S.
Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse
things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home. J.
A Note to Dad
A father passing by his son's bedroom, noticed
the room unusually clean and saw an envelope
propped up prominently on the pillow. It was
addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition,
he opened the envelope and read the letter,
with trembling hands.
Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow
that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new
girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene
with Mum and you.
A man calls Pizza Hut to order a pizza...
CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialled a wrong number, sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.
CALLER: Oh, OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last
12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with
three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and
meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: Great! That’s what I’ll have.
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza
with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a
whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How do you know that?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone
number with your medical records. We have the result of
your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your vegetarian pizza!
I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your
medication regularly. According to our database, you
purchased one box of 28 Lipitor at Priceline, 4 months
ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another Pharmacy.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card
statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash
according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns
unless you bought them using an undeclared income
source, which is against the law!
CALLER: WHAT THE !!!
GOOGLE: I'm sorry sir, we use such information only
with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google,
Microsoft, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the
others. I'm going to an island without the internet or TV
and where there is no phone service and no one to
watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you will need to renew
your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...
Agricultural Lesson
So, for those that don't know much about cows. this one is
for you.
If you are not sure where baby cows come from, here is a
cow’s nest.
As you can see, the eggs in this particular nest are all white.
Now white eggs generally mean that the cow being born will
either be a beef cow or a dairy cow that will only produce
white milk.
But if the eggs are brown you will end up with a cow that is
used solely for the production of chocolate milk.
You’re welcome!
A member of the church, who previously had been attending
services regularly, stopped going.
After a few weeks, the pastor decided to visit him.
It was a chilly evening and the pastor found the man at home
alone, sitting before a blazing fire.
Guessing the reason for his pastor's visit, the man welcomed
him, led him to a comfortable chair near the fireplace and
waited.
After some minutes, the pastor took the fire tongs, carefully
picked up a brightly burning ember and placed it to one side
of the hearth all alone then he sat back in his chair, still silent.
The host watched all this in quiet contemplation as the one
lone ember's flame flickered and diminished, there was a
momentary glow and then its fire was no more.
Soon it was cold and dead.
Not a word had been spoken since the initial greeting.The
pastor glanced at his watch and realized it was time to leave.
He slowly stood up, picked up the cold, dead ember and
placed it back in the middle of the fire.
Immediately it began to glow, once more with the light and
warmth of the burning coals around it.
As the pastor reached the door to leave, his host said with a
tear running down his cheek, 'Thank you so much for your
visit and especially for the firey sermon. I will be back in
church next Sunday.'
Pastoral Visit
Couple by Mabel Amber - Pixabay
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.
After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Watson awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Holmes, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Holmes replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Sherlock says, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Watson?"
Watson was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Holmes, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!
A pastor saw that his church was getting into very serious financial
troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several
cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the
congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10
each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.The
minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and
were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts
about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself
because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.
Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louie,
the minister decided to let him try anyway.He sent the three of them away
with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to
meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts
the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately
asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last
week?
"Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my
sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I
collected on behalf of the church.
"Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a
professional salesman.. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and
here's $280 I collected."The minister responded, "That's absolutely
splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is
indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did
you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the
minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the
contents. "What is this?. Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you
suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just
one week?
"Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-
sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what
you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-
you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-
b-bucks ------o-o-o-or-------- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-
t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"
“Oh, well, he needs to have a couple of perches,” says the shop
owner and he sells the guy a couple of perches. The next day
the guy returns again, complaining that his talking bird doesn’t.
“Well, doesn’t he look at himself in the mirror and talk to his
reflection?” asks the store owner.
“He doesn’t have a mirror,” says the guy. So the pet shop owner
sells him a mirror.
Well, this goes on every day for a week, at the end of which the
guy has bought perches, mirrors, a mirror ball with a bell – just
for budgies – ladders and bells, when the guy storms into the
pet shop and yells at the owner that his budgie has died!
“Tell me,” says the owner, “did he say anything before he died?”
“Yes – he said, ‘hasn’t that shop sold you any bird seed, yet?!!’ “
The minister who cut himself shaving
At the end of his sermon, the minister reached
up to scratch his face and realised he still had
lots of little bits of tissue stuck all over it.
He apologised to his congregation, explaining
to them that he’d been thinking about his
sermon in the bathroom that morning and had
cut himself shaving.
Immediately, one of the older gentlemen up
the back said, “That’s okay, Rev, but next
week, think about your shaving and cut your
sermon!”
The Drowning Man
A fellow was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to
God for help.
Soon a man in a rowboat came by and the fellow shouted to
the man on the roof, "Jump in, I can save you."
The stranded fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to
God and he is going to save me."
So the man in the rowboat went on.
Then a motorboat came by. "The bloke in the motorboat
shouted, "Jump in, I can save you."
To this the stranded fellow said, "No thanks, I'm praying to God
and he is going to save me. I have faith."
So the bloke in the motorboat went on.
Then a helicopter came by and the pilot shouted down, "Grab
this rope and I will lift you to safety."
To this the stranded fellow again replied, "No thanks, I'm
praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith."
So the helicopter pilot reluctantly flew away.
Soon the water rose above the rooftop and the man drowned.
He went to Heaven and he finally got his chance to discuss this
whole situation with God, at which point he exclaimed, "I had
faith in you but you didn't save me, you let me drown. I don't
understand why!"
To this God replied, "I sent you a rowboat and a motorboat and
a helicopter, what more did you want?"
Top of Page
The burglar and the parrot
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking
for valuables when a voice in the dark
said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin,
clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, he shook
his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he
could disconnect the wires, clear as a
bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around
frantically, looking for the source of the
voice. Finally, in the corner of the room,
his flashlight beam came to rest on a
parrot.
'Did you say that?' he whispered to the
parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then
squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you
that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh?
Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What
kind of people would name a bird
Moses?'
'The same kind of people who would
name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
Top of Page
Talking Horse
A guy is walking through the country
when he spots a sign that reads, “Talking
Horse for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks up to
the stable to check it out.
“So what have you done with your life?”
he asks the horse.
“I’ve led a full life,” the horse answers
miraculously. “I was born in The Andes
where I herded for an entire village. Years
later, I joined the mounted police force in
New York and helped keep the city clean.
And now, I spend my days giving free
rides to underprivileged kids here in the
country.”
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the
horse’s owner, “Why on earth would you
want to get rid of such an incredible
animal?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He
never did any of that!
Top of Page
English grammar
• An Oxford comma walks into a bar where it spends the
evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking
cigars.
• A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and
chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
• A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
• An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was
deafening.
• Two quotation marks walk into a "bar."
• A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive
purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and
casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for
granite.
• Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely
destroys everything.
• A question mark walks into a bar?
• A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys
can fly.
• Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender
says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."
• A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on
the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
• A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then
leaves.
• Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They
converse. They depart.
• A synonym strolls into a tavern.
• At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a
daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
• A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute
little sentence fragment.
• Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar
floor.
• A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up
getting figuratively hammered.
• An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its
Achilles heel.
• The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only
known.
• A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a
glass eye named Ralph.
• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
• A dyslexic walks into a bra.
• A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests
they conjugate. The noun declines.
• A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
• A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
• A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a
bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
Top of Page
The Australian Tax Office
The Australian Tax Office decides to audit Grandpa,
and summons him to their head office. The ATO
auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up
with his solicitor.
The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant
lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you
explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm
not sure the ATO finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says
Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go
ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I
can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars
that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he
takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good
eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered
and lost three grand, with Grandpa's solicitor as a
witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll
bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one
side of your desk, throw that full glass of water into
the waste paper bin on the other side, and never get
a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he
looks carefully and decides there's no way this old
guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees
again.
Grandpa stands on the desk and takes careful aim,
but when he throws the glass, water covers the man's
desk, jacket, briefcase, and everything around it.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just
turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own solicitor starts crying and puts his
head in his hands. "Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when
Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit,
he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could
come in here and throw water all over your office and
that you'd be happy about it!"
Top of Page
Squirrel Infestation
The Presbyterian church called a meeting
to decide what to do about their squirrel
infestation. After much prayer and
consideration, they concluded that the
squirrels were predestined to be there,
and they should not interfere with God's
divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had
taken an interest in the baptistry. The
deacons met and decided to put a water-
slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels
drown themselves. The squirrels liked the
slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively
how to swim, so twice as many squirrels
showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they
were not in a position to harm any of
God's creatures. So, they humanely
trapped their squirrels and set them free
near the Baptist church. Two weeks later,
the squirrels were back when the Baptists
took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more
unique path by setting out pans of whiskey
around their church in an effort to kill the
squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They
sadly learned how much damage a band
of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a
more creative strategy! They baptized all
the squirrels and made them members of
the church. Now they only see them at
Christmas and Easter.
Top of Page
Memory
A couple in their nineties are both having problems
remembering things.
During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're
physically okay, but they might want to start writing things
down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from
his chair and asks, 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?'
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can
remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you
should write it down, so you don’t forget.'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream
with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that,
write it down.' she says.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can
remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped
cream - I’ve got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles off
into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen
and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment, then asks, 'Where's
my toast?'
Top of Page
A very poor woman
called a radio
station asking for
help from God
A non-believer who was
also listening to this radio
program decided to make
fun of the woman. He got
the woman's address from
the radio station and told
his secretary to carry a
large amount of foodstuff to
the woman. However, he
gave the following
instruction, "When the
woman asks who sent the
food, tell her that it's from
the devil.''
When the secretary arrived
at the woman's house, the
woman was happy and
grateful for the help
received. She started
putting the food packets
inside her small house. The
secretary then asked her,
''Don't you want to know
who sent the food?''
The woman replied, ''No, I
don't care because when
GOD orders, even the
DEVIL obeys!
Spiritual person and
atheist neighbour
There was a little old lady who
was very spiritual, who would
step out on her porch every day,
raise her arms to the sky and
yell “Praise the Lord!”
One day, an atheist bought the
house next door to her, and he
became very irritated with the
spiritual lady. So after a month
or so of her yelling “Praise the
Lord” from her porch, the
neighbour went outside on his
porch and yelled back, “There is
no Lord!”
Yet, the little old lady continued.
One cold, wintery day, when the
little old lady couldn’t get to the
store, she went out on her
porch, raised her hands up to
the sky and said, “Help me Lord,
I have no more money, it’s cold,
and I have no more food.”
The next morning, she went
outside, and there were three
bags of food on the porch,
enough to last her a week.
“Praise the Lord! ” she yelled.
The atheist stepped out from the
bushes and said, “Ha ha! There
is no Lord, I bought those
groceries!”
The little old lady raised her
arms to the sky and said,
“Praise the Lord, you sent me
groceries and you made the
Devil pay for them!”
Photo Credit:
Harley Davidson Bike Pics
The 10 year-old and the motorbike
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from
school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls
up beside her.
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
“Okay, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks and a Big Bag of
lollies if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will
go for a ride."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and
Screams Out...
"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of
the Harley ...YOU RIDE IT!!"....... .
An elderly couple on a road trip
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside
restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they resumed their trip. She left
her glasses on the table, but she didn't miss them until they
had been driving for about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a
bit further before they could find a place to turn around.
All the way back, the elderly husband became “the grumpy
old man.”
He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly
during the entire return trip.
And the more he chided her, the more agitated he became.
He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived back at the restaurant and
as she got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her
glasses, the old bloke yelled out to her, "While you're in
there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card!”
A woman received a call that her daughter
was sick
She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, but when
she got back to her car she found that she had locked her
keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the
ground. But she looked at it and said "I don't know how to
use this." So she bowed her head and asked God to send
her HELP.
Within 5 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up.
The driver was a bearded man wearing an old biker skull
rag. The man got off of his motorbike and asked if he could
help.
She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. But I’ve locked my keys
in my car and I must get home. Please, can you use this
hanger to unlock my car?" He said "Sure" and walked over
to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said "Thank You SO
Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out
of PRISON yesterday, I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you
God! You even sent me a Professional!"
The Cat and the Pastor
A pastor had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his
backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor
coaxed, offered food, warm milk, etc. The kitty would not
come down.
The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor
decided that if he tied a rope to the tree and to his car and
drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then
reach up and get the kitten.
He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently,
then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree
would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But
as he moved a little further forward, the rope broke.
The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed
through the air - out of sight.
Naturally, the pastor felt terrible.
He walked all over the neighbourhood asking people if
they'd seen a little kitten.
No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord,
I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on
about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store and met one
of his church members. He happened to look into her
shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this
woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he
asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate
cats so much?"
She replied, "You won't believe this Pastor," and she told
him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but
she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had
begged again, so the Mum finally told her little girl, "Well if
God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it!"
She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the
yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really,
Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own
eyes.
A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its
paws outspread, and landed right in front of her!"
Cancel Family Christmas
An elderly man in Sydney calls his son in Adelaide and
says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you
that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of
marriage... and that much misery is enough!"
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the
old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm
sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in
Melbourne and tell her!"
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the
phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts,
"I'll take care of this."
She calls her father immediately, and screams at him,
"You are not getting divorced! Don't do a single thing
until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll
both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you
hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for
Christmas and they’re paying their own air-fares."
Politically Correct Greetings
I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my
friends, but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly
what to say without offending someone. So I met with my
attorney yesterday, and on his advice I wish to say the
following:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my
best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially
responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral
celebration of the winter/summer solstice holiday,
practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious
persuasion or secular practices of your choice with
respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or
traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious
or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling
and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of
the generally accepted calendar next year, but not without
due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures
whose contributions to society have helped make our
country great (not to imply that it is necessarily greater
than any other country) and without regard to the race,
creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual
preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.
It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original
greeting.
It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement
any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void
where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole
discretion of the wisher.
This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the
usual application of good tidings for a period of one year
or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting,
whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to
replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the
sole discretion of the wisher.
Disclaimer: No trees were harmed in the sending of this
message; however, a significant number of electrons were
slightly inconvenienced.
A man, with a basket
full of fish, gets
stopped by a game
warden
“Do you have a permit for these fish?” the warden asks.
“No sir. These are all my pet fish,” the man replies.
“Your pet fish? How’s that?”
“Well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the
lake, I let them swim for about half an hour, and then I
whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and
we go home. We do this every night,” the man says.
“That’s just a crock of lies!”
“Here, I’ll show you,” the man says, and releases the fish
into the lake.
“This I’ve got to see,” says the warden. Five minutes pass
and the warden is curious, “Well…?”
“Well what?” asks the man.
“The fish! Where are your pet fish?”
The man looks at the warden confused. “What fish?”
How do you pronounce Llanfairpwll-
gwyngyllgogerychwyrndrob-
wllllantysiliogogogoch?
Two tourists were driving through Wales.
As they were approaching Llanfairpwll-
gwyngyllgogerychwyrndrob-wllllantysiliogogogoch, they
started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s
name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the girl,
“Before we order, would you please settle an argument
for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...
very slowly?”
She leaned over the counter and said,
“Burrrrrrrr gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing.”
A police officer stopped him and asked, "Hey, what are you
doing?"
The man replied, "I do not like where I was buried so I am
relocating."
The policeman fainted.
They DO have a sense
of humour
A coffin maker was on his way
to deliver one of his coffins but
on the way, his car broke
down. Trying not to be late, he
put the coffin on his head and
began heading to his
destination.
Christmas Lights Warning
For those of you who are going to place Christmas lights /
decorations in your garden this year, can you please avoid
anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?
Every year when I’ve come around the corner, I think it's the
police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my rum out of the window, hide
the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor,
turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all
while trying to drive.
It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.
Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.
The White Lie Cake
Alice was meant to bake a cake for the Church Ladies'
Group, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She
remembered it on the morning of the bake sale. After
rummaging through cupboards, she found a box of cake mix
and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and
helping her son pack for scout camp.
When she took the cake from the oven, the centre had
dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured and she
thought: “Nooooo! there is no time to bake another cake!"
So, being inventive, she looked around the house for
something to build up the centre of the cake. She found it in
the bathroom: a roll of toilet paper!
She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did
the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.
Now, before she left the house to drop the cake by the
church and head off for work, Alice woke her daughter and
gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the
bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake
and bring it home.
However, when the daughter arrived at the sale, she found
the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold!!!!!
Amanda grabbed her mobile phone and called her mum.
Alice was horrified! She was beside herself! Everyone would
know! What would they think? She would be ostracized,
talked about, ridiculed! All night, she lay awake in bed
thinking about people pointing fingers at her. And talking
about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to
think about the cake and would attend the fancy
luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church
member and try to have a good time. She did not really want
to attend. The hostess was a snob who more than once had
looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single
parent and not originally from this town, but having already
RSVP’d, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay
home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper
crust old families, and to Alice’s horror, the cake in question
was presented for dessert!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the
cake!
She started to get out of her chair to tell the hostess all about
it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said,
“What a beautiful cake!"
Alice, stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the
snobby hostess say: “Thank you, I baked it myself."
One day two brothers bought two horses
When they got home they discussed how they would
remember which horse belonged to whom. Then one of
them got the brainwave to trim the tail of one horse and
leave the other long.
That night some rogue broke into their barn and trimmed
the tail of the other horse.
And the next day they thought, “Now how will we know?”
Then one of them suggested they trim the mane of one and
not the other.
But again, at night, a rascal, broke into their barn and
trimmed the other horse’s mane!
The next morning they stared in disbelief at their horses.
Finally, one brother said to the other, ‘I’ll tell you what. You
take the brown and white one and I’ll take the black and
white one!”
Mum’s Birthday Present
Four brothers left home for college and went on to become
successful doctors and lawyers.
One evening, they chatted after having dinner together.
They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to
give their elderly mother who moved to the Gold Coast.
The first said, “You know I had a big house built for our
mum.”
The second said, “And I had a large theatre built in the
house.”
The third said, “And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver the
latest Mercedes Benz
S 580 to her.”
The fourth said, “You know how Mum loved reading the
Bible and you know she can’t read anymore because she
can’t see very well. I met this pastor who told me about a
parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers
almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
$50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth
it. Mum only has to name the chapter and verse, and the
parrot will recite it.” The other brothers were impressed.
After the celebration, Mum sent out her “Thank You” notes.
She wrote: “Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live
in only one room, but I still have to clean the whole house.
Thanks anyway.”
“Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my
groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The
thought was good. Thanks.”
“Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby
Sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are
dead, I’ve lost my hearing, and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never
use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.”
“Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good
sense to give a little thought to your gift. Thank you so
much. The chicken was delicious. Love, Mum”
Tourists at a crocodile farm
When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner
of the place launched a daring proposal;
-Whoever dares to jump, swim to shore and survive, I will
give 1 million dollars.
Nobody dared to move, suddenly a man jumped into the
water and desperately swam towards the shore while he
was chased by all the crocodiles.
With great luck he arrived, taking the admiration of
everyone in the place, then the owner announced;
-We have a brave winner.
After collecting their reward, the couple returned to the
hotel, upon arrival, the manager told him; he was very
brave to jump, then the man said;
-I didn't jump, someone pushed me!
His wife smiled ...
Moral: "Behind every successful man, there is a woman
who pushes him."
A Woman who Reads
One morning a husband returns to the cabin after
several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to
take the boat out, since it is such a beautiful day.
She goes out a short distance, anchors, and reads her
book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, " Good
morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, thinking, "Isn't that
obvious?"
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to write
you up a ticket."
"For reading a book?" she asks.
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area, "he informs her
again.
"But officer, I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment. I'll have to write you up a
ticket and you'll have to pay a fine."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual
assault," says the woman."
"But I haven't touched you," says the Game Warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I
know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," he said as he immediately
departed.
MORAL:Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely
she can also think.
A young guardsman
is on the gate at
Buckingham palace.
The RSM marches up to him
and says "Right lad, the
Queen is out on public
duties. I want to know the
minute she gets back here,
do you understand? The
minute she's back!"
"Yes sir," says the young
guardsman.
So, 10 minutes later a big
limo pulls in through the
gates, the guardsman stops
the car, pops his head in and
says, "‘Scuse me ma'am are
you the Queen?"
"No, I'm princess Ann."
"Oh, sorry to delay you,
proceed."
Another limo pulls in and he sticks his head in the
window. "‘Scuse me ma'am are you the Queen?"
"No, I'm princess Margaret.”
"Oh, sorry to delay you ma'am, proceed.”
The next limo pulls in and, same again, he sticks his
head in the window. "’Scuse me ma'am, are you the
Queen?"
"Yes, I'm the Queen."
"Right," he says. "Well make yourself scarce, luv, ‘cos
the RSM is looking for you."
I’m Fine!
A farmer named George had an accident.
He was hit by a truck which was owned by a global, high
profile, fast-food chain.
In court, the high profile, fast-food chain’s hot-shot
solicitor was questioning George. “Didn't you say to the
police officer at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine’?“
asked the solicitor.
George responded, “Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd
just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the ... “
George said, “Well, I'd just got
Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road...” The
solicitor interrupted again and
said, “Your Honour, I am trying to
establish the facts: at the scene of
the accident, this man told the
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in George's
answer and said to the solicitor, “I'd like to hear what he has
to say about his favourite cow, Bessie.”
George thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was
saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the
trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge
global, high profile, fast-food chain’s truck and trailer came
thundering through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the
side.”
“Well, I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown
into the other. By crikey I was hurt! Very bad like, and didn't
want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning
and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her
groans.”
“Shortly after the accident, a policeman turned up. He could
hear Bessie moaning and groaning too, so he went over to
her. He looked at her and saw her condition, then he took
out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the
policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at
me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'”
“Now what would you say?”
“I didn't ask for any details,”
the solicitor interrupted. “Just
answer the question. Did you,
or did you not, say at the
scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine'?”
I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice,
but I knew you would not approve of her because of all
her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and
because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy
said that we will be very happy. She owns a caravan in
the bush, and has a stack of firewood for the whole
winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that mari*juana
doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for
ourselves and trading it with the other people in the
commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure
for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves
it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of
myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you
can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Josh
P.S.
Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in
life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call
when it is safe for me to come home. J.
A Note to Dad
A father passing by his son's bedroom, noticed the room
unusually clean and saw an envelope propped up
prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With
the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and
read the letter, with trembling hands.
Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm
writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend,
because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
A man calls Pizza Hut to order a pizza...
CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialled a wrong number, sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.
CALLER: Oh, OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last
12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with
three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and
meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: Great! That’s what I’ll have.
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza
with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a
whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How do you know that?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone
number with your medical records. We have the result of
your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your vegetarian pizza!
I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your
medication regularly. According to our database, you
purchased one box of 28 Lipitor at Priceline, 4 months
ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another Pharmacy.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card
statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash
according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns
unless you bought them using an undeclared income
source, which is against the law!
CALLER: WHAT THE !!!
GOOGLE: I'm sorry sir, we use such information only
with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google,
Microsoft, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the
others. I'm going to an island without the internet or TV
and where there is no phone service and no one to
watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you will need to renew
your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...
Agricultural Lesson
So, for those that don't know
much about cows. this one is for
you.
If you are not sure where baby
cows come from, here is a
cow’s nest.
As you can see, the eggs in this particular nest are all white.
Now white eggs generally mean that the cow being born will
either be a beef cow or a dairy cow that will only produce
white milk.
But if the eggs are brown you will end up with a cow that is
used solely for the production of chocolate milk.
You’re welcome!
A member of the church, who previously had been
attending services regularly, stopped going.
After a few weeks, the pastor decided to visit him.
It was a chilly evening and the pastor found the man at
home alone, sitting before a blazing fire.
Guessing the reason for his pastor's visit, the man
welcomed him, led him to a comfortable chair near the
fireplace and waited.
After some minutes, the pastor took the fire tongs, carefully
picked up a brightly burning ember and placed it to one
side of the hearth all alone then he sat back in his chair,
still silent.
The host watched all this in quiet contemplation as the one
lone ember's flame flickered and diminished, there was a
momentary glow and then its fire was no more.
Soon it was cold and dead.
Not a word had been spoken since the initial greeting.The
pastor glanced at his watch and realized it was time to
leave. He slowly stood up, picked up the cold, dead ember
and placed it back in the middle of the fire.
Immediately it began to glow, once more with the light and
warmth of the burning coals around it.
As the pastor reached the door to leave, his host said with
a tear running down his cheek, 'Thank you so much for
your visit and especially for the firey sermon. I will be back
in church next Sunday.'
Couple by Mabel Amber - Pixabay
https://attitudetolife.com
and attitudetolife.au
HUMOUR -
Long Jokes
The Talking Bird
A guy goes into a pet shop and asks to
buy a bird that talks.The store owner
sells him a budgie and he goes home to
enjoy his new talking bird.The next day
he comes back and complains that the
bird doesn’t talk.
“Doesn’t he hop from perch to perch
and talk to himself?” asks the shop
owner.
“He doesn’t have a perch,” says the
guy.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a
camping trip.
After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the
night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Watson awoke and nudged his faithful
friend.
"Holmes, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Holmes replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Sherlock says, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a
quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that
we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful
day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Watson?"
Watson was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Holmes, you
idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!
A pastor saw that his church was getting into very serious
financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he
discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never
been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers
from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles
door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed
money for the church.
Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for
the task.The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their
living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some
bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a
local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he
was embarrassed by his speech impediment.
Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO
discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try
anyway.He sent the three of them away with the back seat
of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet
with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling
efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister
immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out
selling our bibles last week?
"Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied,
"Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and
here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.
"Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied,
"I am a professional salesman.. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of
the church, and here's $280 I collected."The minister
responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a
professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And
Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie
silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister
opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?. Louie,
there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320
bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?
"Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-
f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie,
just tell us what you said to them when they answered the
door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-
w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-
b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ------o-o-o-or-------- wo-
wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-
here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"
A man was looking for work.
Any odd jobs.
A lady said she would pay him to paint her
porch.
After he’d fiinished, he came to collect what
she had promised she would pay him.
And he said, “I don’t want to be picky,
especially after you gave me that job, but,
thats not a porch - that’s a BMW.”
